The Republican Presidential list is like a dysfunctional high school student body, and almost as big.
Sort of popular, although no one knows why. In his own mind he is more popular than anyone in forever. Isn't that dumb but hires the smart kids to do his homework for him because he doesn't give a shit.
Jeb Bush - Teacher's Pet
Does every extra credit assignment, stays after class to clean the erasers. Because of all his extra credit work Jeb has a solid C+ grade average.
Scott Walker - Wannabe Stoner
Scott is the guy who sneaks behind the gym between periods to smoke oregano joints and show off the porn he has on his cell phone. He'd smoke pot but he's afraid of the kids selling it. Scott thinks that cutting the line in the cafeteria makes him look bad ass when it just makes him look like a jerk.
Ted Cruz - Chess Club Pres
Thinks being a weak Class A chess player makes him a genius and, hence, he should be made class president by acclamation. Not popular outside the club because he plays chess; not popular inside the club because he's an obnoxious winner.
Ben Carson - Science Club Pres
Got a blue ribbon for a ninth grade science fair project on whether frogs can cross breed with mice (they can't). Now thinks he can solve cold fusion.
Mike Huckabee - Carries a Bible to Class
Wanted a Jesus Club on campus but the principal wouldn't allow it so he formed his own and holds meetings in his parent's basement. Only two people joined, the lonely Indian kid and the crazy kid whose name sounds dirty and said the turtles humping at the zoo was "fornication."
Marco Rubio - Shy Kid
Marco is the kid who sits in the corner and never, ever raises his hand. If he were invisible he'd get more notice.
Carly Fiorina - Girl Geek
Think Amy Farrah Fowler. Desperately wants to be popular. Literally nobody likes her.
Chris Christie - The Bully
Beats up the smaller kids. Loves giving wedgies.
Lindsey Graham - Wedgie Getter
Gets beat up a lot 'cause the jocks think he's gay.