Saturday, May 21, 2011

Notes From the Rapture

Well, here's a shocker. I made the cut; I got raptured. Camping got the timing wrong, it was 6 am. I am reporting to you live from Heaven.

First the good news:
-> Heaven has wi-fi so I can continue blogging. As the Archangel Gabriel said during orientation, "We're as modern as Hell up here."
-> We also have access to satellite TV so I can watch the end of the Stanley Cup.
-> That movie got it right, dogs made it too. In fact, there are more dogs up here than people. No cats, though. God is a dog person.
-> The eating is pretty good. Mana tastes a little like strawberries.
-> Lots of trees and flowers but more insects than you'd think. It seems God is an entomologist.

Now the Bad News:
(Or more good news, it depends on your perspective.)
<- Camping and his crowd aren't invited. It seems God is really pissed at all these preachers who claim they've been talking to Him. Says it's a straight up violation of the Third Commandment. Besides, all those holier-than-thou types would be really annoying trying to be holier than Him.
<- Also not invited are soldiers, hunters, and anyone who has killed a spider in the bathroom. God said He really meant that Sixth Commandment, no exceptions.
<- Not a lot of rich folk, either. Says He gave them fair warning.

Well, gotta go. Gandhi is hosting a mandatory seminar on veganism then Jesus himself is playing in a test match against several of the newcomers. Who knew, God is a big cricket fan.
Jesus is quite the all-rounder


Anonymous said...

People are going to learn the hard way that vegans rock.

My guess is the more religious people are, the less likely they make the cut since mostly they tend to be self righteous, not righteous.

Anonymous said...

Confirms my view that christians don't get the joke.

Anonymous said...

Were you thinking about JBS Haldane with the reference to God being an entymologist? Love your blog, by the way. Just discovered it today.