Saturday, August 22, 2015

Candidate Positions

Presidential candidates used to publish "White Papers" detailing their political ideology. But that is so 20th century. Today, even sound bites are too long, if it can't be Tweeted the position is too complex.

Bobby Jindal
If I had been President I wouldn't have allowed me to be a citizen.
Jindal is the text book definition of an "anchor baby." His mother was pregnant with him when his parents first arrived in the United States. He is eligible for the office because of "birthright citizenship." Yet Jindal hates the constitutional provision that granted him citizenship and wants to do away with it.

Scott Walker
I stand with you, just tell me where you want me to stand.
If you don't like Walker's stance on an issue, wait a few minutes and he'll change it. Pick an issue, any issue. Ethanol subsides - hates them in New Hampshire, loves them in Iowa. Immigration - tells billionaire donors he pro-amnesty, tells Tea Partiers he'll stop immigration. Gays - tolerant in private, hateful in public. Walker's political compass is a roulette wheel. Round and round he goes, where he stops nobody knows.

Ben Carson
I'll bomb the United States.
I kind of pity Carson. His poll numbers have never looked better but he has no actual political position on anything. So, he signed onto a wacky immigration proposal to use Predator drones to bombard the US-Mexico border.

Jeb Bush
I love minorities. I speak Spanish at home and my left hand is black.
While other candidates are immigrant bashing, Jeb claimed in an interview that Spanish is his principle language at home and English is his second language. A mailer sent out by Bush's super PAC clearly shows Bush has an African-American left hand. I'm waiting for claims of Bush having a Chinese character tattooed on the small of his back.

Donald Trump
Some of my best friends are thugs.
In Boston, two Trump supporters attack and beat a Hispanic and Trump's initial comments were to praise the passion of his supporters. A Trump supporter in Alabama suggests a $50 hunting bounty for the scalps of immigrants.

1 comment:

Katy Anders said...

This was good. I called my grandmother (who is really into politics this year) to read her some of these.