Thursday, January 12, 2012

Four Ways God Screwed Up Humans

We are supposed to be God's greatest creation, but he left out some really useful shit he gave other animals.
 
4.Opposable Big Toes
Most of our primate cousins have them and they would be incredibly useful. We could pick things up off the ground without all that annoying bending over. We could hold a book and type on our laptops at the same time. And we could double our sexting output.

3. Nictitating Membranes
Also called the Third Eyelid. Lots of animals have a transparent eyelid that keeps out dust or water or overly bright light while still providing some degree of vision. We have had to invent all sorts of devises (goggles, sunglasses) to make up for their absence. Humans do have a vestigial third eyelid called the Plica Semilunaris, it's where eye gunk collects while we sleep.

2. Ultraviolet Vision
Birds have it, bees have it, even educated fleas have the ability to see in the ultraviolet light range. It adds an extraordinary additional pallet to the visual experience. Its usefulness is so vital that many animals rely on it and it is so outside our ability to understand that scientists still don't know why animals can see the ultraviolet spectrum.

1. Internal Gonads
This is a guy thing. Many male animals have their testes safely stored inside. Birds never have to be concerned about a groin shot on national television. Crocodiles can cavort in the Nile all day without worrying about being kicked in the balls. While it's true a lot of mammals have their highly pain sensitive nuts dangling dangerously between their legs it can only be described as a massive design flaw.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Also, cannot scratch middle of the back without an available tree. To me, that alone, is evidence that we were not "created" by an all-knowing being, unless the being enjoys watching suffering.

DanaM said...

I've always thought the lack of a prehensile tail was a mistake.

Katy Anders said...

This is a great post.

I could interact with the world so much better if I was built differently.

I like those beetles who can navigate the deserts because they can "see" magnetic fields.