Saturday, May 26, 2007

Simple Rules for Surviving this Old World

Survival is one of the principal motivating factors in life, generally ranking with eating, sex, and playing video games (not necessarily in that order). In order that people may survive more easily (and, hence, overpopulate the planet and necessitate a thermonuclear war) I have drawn up a series of easy-to-follow rules for survival.

1. Never unnecessarily piss off a lawyer, writer, or billionaire
Lawyers can always be counted on to find some obscure legal text with which to torment you.
Did you know that in Illinois, it is illegal for a woman to address an unmarried man as "mister." Women must use the word "master." Source
A writer can always weave you into his next novel with some disgusting or insulting trait and you can’t do anything about it. See the "small penis" rule.

Billionaires don't need to be subtle. They can simply crush you like the insect you are.
"You have undertaken to cheat me. I won't sue you, for the law is too slow. I will ruin you." ~ Cornelius Vanderbilt in a letter to a former business associate in 1853
2. While you're at it, don't piss off gansters, either
Just common sense, really, to stay on the good side of people who make a habit of killing for fun and profit. There is a story (hopefully apocryphal) about a waiter who took the drink away from a Russian Mafioso too soon. The mobster punished the waiter by forcing him to drink 27 liters (7 gallons) of Coca-Cola.

3. Beware of baldness
When Britney Spears shaved her head most people were bemused at the wacky celebrity. The proper reaction should have been bone-chilling fear. Three stories: In 2006 a Bald Elvis act in Wales received death threats from outraged Elvis fans. The ancient Greek playwright, Aeschylus, was killed when an eagle dropped a tortise on him, believing his bald head was a stone. In Missouri after the American Civil War, the Bald Knobbers was such a frightful terror group even the KKK was afraid of them.

4. Don't deliver pizza
There are other jobs. I hear homelessness is a growing profession. Pizza delivery is not just generically dangerous, things can get really weird out there. In 2003 in Pennsylvania, three guys tied a bomb arould the neck of a pizza deliveryman and told him to rob a bank for them. The deliveryman failed as a bank robber and the bomb blew up. There is a story I can't (and don't want to) confirm that devil worshippers in Buenos Aries ate their pizza deliveryman down to the bone because he was late with his delivery and they had gotten really hungry.

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