Dateline: Austin, Texas - March 32, 2007
Texas Governor Rick Perry announced today that to honor the forty-third president of the United States, Texas was moving it presidential primary to April 1.
"President George W. Bush has given hope to thousands of young Texans who would never have graduated from high school if not for their rich daddy," said Gov. Perry. "We were all taught in school than anyone could grow up to be President. President Bush has shown us that is literally true. It doesn't matter how dull, dimwitted, or feeble-minded you are, you too can grow up to be President of the United States."
The legislation authorizing the move had been hung up in the state legislature for weeks by Democrats until it was decided that the move could be equally in honor of Lyndon Johnson.
"Both sides got their imbeciles," said Democratic state senator Joe 'Cow Dung' Reilly. "We got Gib Lewis and Bill Clayton, they got Dick Armey and Tom Delay. There might have been a smart one in the herd somewhere, but I'll be damned if I can think of a one."
The legislation had received unexpected support from Fundamentalists. To prevent holding an election on Sunday, the legislation states that if March 31 falls on a Saturday, the following day will be declared March 32. April 1 then falls on a Monday and the rest of the calendar would be renumbered appropriately. Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family praised the move.
"It is sacrilege to have the Lord's Day and April Fool's Day coincide. How many good Christians have listened to their preacher talk about tolerance and forgiveness and figured he was just joshing them," said Dobson. "I know I have."