Heaven As Described By Evangelical Christians

Dying man couldn’t make up his mind which place to go to—both have their advantages, “heaven for climate, hell for company!” ~ Mark Twain

According to evangelicals Heaven is reserved only for those who accept Jesus Christ as their Lord. They are cleansed of their sins and welcome beyond the pearly gates.

Headed for Heaven

Jeffery Dahmer was raised in a strict creationist household. He started by murdering the young men he had sex with then dismembering and eating them. He later progressed to kidnapping young boys, raping them before cutting them up and consuming them. He is held up by evangelicals as an example of God's saving grace. Dahmer is in Heaven.

Other serial killers with ticket to God include the Son of Sam (David Berkowitz), and Gary Ridgway the Green River Killer.


Roy Moore has preached hate his entire life and has been a sexual predator of teen girls. He is so Heaven bound that when he autographs a Bible it's the same as if Jesus signed it. Swindler harridans like Pat Robertson and Oral Roberts have frightened millions with threats of damnation into giving away their money.

Heaven might be pretty to look at but the neighbors are shit.

Better Class of People in Hell

Christians are insistent that there's is an exclusive club. While many liberal Christians say that Mohandas Gandhi has earned Heaven, evangelicals are emphatic that not only is the great Hindu saint of nonviolence in Hell, any Christians that disagree with that are going to Hell too.

All the good, decent non-Christians are headed for Hell which means most of the people worth hanging out with will be there while Heaven will be housing killers, thieves, and hateful holier than thou jerks.

I know where I'd rather be.