Thursday, November 09, 2017

Rats In the News

If you expand your vision there are many species of rats.

Mob Rat (Rattus Offeret)
Known by their habit of squealing when cornered. Robert Mueller is trying to live capture these animals. George Papadopoulos is one famous mob rat, Carter Page will probably be another.

Sewer Rat (Rattus Bannonus)
Found frequently and most comfortably wallowing in shit. Sewer rats hate anything good, decent, and kind. It is said that even Satan vomits at the sight of Steve Bannon. Most commonly found in rural, poor, uneducated white communities where they are attracted by the sight of Confederate flags, the smell of gun oil, and the blood of innocents. Sewer rats consider treason a noble profession.

Scaredy Rat (Rattus Naufragio)
Naufragio is Latin for shipwreck. The number of Republicans in Congress abandoning ship and skedaddling home is growing by the week. These rats know when a ship is sinking and get while the getting is good.

Trump Rat (Rattus Pirata)
A subspecies of the Sewer Rat, these rats love to clamor aboard sinking ships and take them over. They don't actually do anything when they are in charge, they just run around and shit on everything. The appearance of a horde of Trump rats is always a harbinger of disaster. Considered the dumbest rat species, although Trump rats will tell you they have the bigliest brains ever.

Roof Rat (Rattus Rattus)
I had these little bastards first raiding my bird feeders and then invade my attic. You don't know creepy until you've had to listen to those furry fuckers scurry around overhead every night. I've started mixing my seed with a habanero chili solution that does not bother birds but chases away mammals. As for my attic, I hired a company, Attic Construction, great guys, to rat proof my attic. The first night I heard the rats gnawing at the new steel screens over my attic vents, it sounded like someone filing jail cell bars. After that, blessed silence.

Getting rid of rats is a glorious feeling we should all try.

Personal Note: Yes, I took a month off. I had run out of things to write about. While Trump is enraging, he is such a simpleton it takes no effort to figure out what he's up to. He's incredibly boring. I needed time to regenerate my creative juices.

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