Saturday, November 05, 2011

Threat Level Republican

This looks at how much the various Republican candidates scare the shit out of me regardless of their chances of victory.

Michele Bachmann
(Level 10 - Ivan the Terrible)
Behind her crazy eyes is a crazy mind. Ivan, remember, murdered his own son after beating the son's pregnant wife for immodesty. That is just the kind of thing you wouldn't be surprised if Michele did. Give Michele the keys to a nuclear arsenal and she would certainly find the need to use it to rid the world of evil irresistible. Nothing scares me more than the thought of Michele Bachmann possessing ultimate power because there is no chance of a rational thought staying her hand.

Rick Santorum
(Level 9 - Torquemada)
Rick views himself as the righteous sword of God's vengeance. He has no economic plans and no foreign policy initiatives. Like the great High Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition, Santorum's political philosophy begins and ends with his religious fervor. Santorum focuses his holy wrath on sodomites and there is no telling what atrocity God's voice in Rick's ear will tell him to do.

Mitt Romney
(Level 8 - Robespierre)
I know what Rick and Michele think. The problem is that nobody knows what Mitt thinks. At one time or another Romney had held every side of every opinion on every topic. Romney has no moral compass and no guiding principles. Such people are capable of anything.

Newt Gingrich
(Level 7 - Cesare Borgia)
Like Romney, Newt has no moral compass. He does, however, have guiding principles. The lack of both makes one terrifying unpredictable. Being principally amoral is, I suppose, better because at least the latter is occasionally predictable. While Newt is amoral he is at least not batshit about it.

Ron Paul
(Level 6 - Leon Trotsky)
Paul is a True Believer. There is not a practical bone is his body. He is not just wedded to his principles, he has had them surgically implanted in his skull. If Ron Paul were faced with the dilemma of compromising a small, insignificant part of his principles or insuring the complete and total destruction of everything he holds dear, he would eagerly embrace destruction.

Rick Perry & Herm Cain
(Level 5 - George Bush Jr.)
Rick Perry and Herm Cain, combine their intelligence and you get one imbecile. Whether Perry is a drunk or a cokehead is up for dispute, that he couldn't pass third grade in a California Montessori school is a certainty. Cain took a mid-level pizza chain and made it a smaller mid-level pizza chain. Cain didn't bankrupt his firm but at a time other chains were growing exponentially, Cain could only succeed in shrinking his business. How many presidential candidates proudly brag about being somebody's puppet like Cain has?

Jon Huntsman
(Level 1 - Pu Yi)
Huntsman isn't at Level 1 because he is (by Republican standards) liberal but because his is just so adorably insignificant. He reminds me of Pu Yi, the last emperor of China who gained the throne at the age of two.

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