Saturday, April 06, 2013

Fashion for the NRA Nation

The world as envisioned by the NRA is a boon for the makers of Kevlar. Republicans in Arizona are being urged to stay dressed in bulletproof vests at all times, but that is just the tip of the fashion iceberg.

Bulletproof Polo Shirts
For a mere $3,475 you can order nice, light, casual attire from a Colombian designer (few people know more about being shot at on street corners better than Colombians) that allegedly can stop a bullet from a .357 Magnum. It doesn't look like it could stop a determined mosquito but they claim it's certified by the US Department of Justice and that Steven Seagal is a customer. The owner of the company likes to make his employees don the shirts so he can take pot shots at them.

Armored Jackets
For the budget conscious paranoid the Israelis make denim and leather jackets that will stop bullets for under $1,300. Apparently they are very popular with your more aggressively pro-Second Amendment biker gangs.

Total Security
You don't just listen the the NRA, you watch FOX News and know that there are more bad guys in American cities than just your Constitutionally endowed neighbor. You need more, like a bulletproof hoodie complete with built in gas mask. It is necessary fashion for teenagers walking Florida suburbs after dark. Although at just $200 I doubt it is actually, you know, bulletproof.

For the Women
While bulletproof fashion for men is a thriving market, there is a decided lack of variety for women. Sure, you can find pink Kevlar vests and the Germans are very proud of their bullet-resistant bras because boobs are the most important body part women have.

The Kiddie Market
With the Newtown shooting and the NRA's campaign to turn schools into armories the market for bulletproof children's apparel is exploding. Bulletproof backpacks (over $300) are especially popular. Although strapping a Kevlar vest onto young Timmie pretty much guarantees bullies will beat the crap out of him on the playground.

It's a brave new world we are entering. Actually, it is an extremely cowardly and paranoid new world where the only thing we fear more than getting shot on the street is not being able to shoot down others on the street.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"Gun safety": oxymoron or doublespeak?