Monday, September 11, 2017

Fear Our Coming Ant Overlords

Scientists have created mutant ants. I'm sorry, there is nothing in that sentence that is not terrifying. Ants already rule the world, the biomass of ants exceeds the combined biomass of humanity, and their organizational and survival skills far exceed those of mankind. Fire ants in south Florida survived Hurricane Irma by forming massive living rafts of their own bodies.

Have scientists learned nothing from watching ant movies. The last thing we need is super, mutant ants giving us orders. Links are to trailers from the movies referenced.

Them! (1954)
Nuclear testing in the American Southwest created giant ants that fed on humans. James Whitmore is a local cop who discovers the creatures and, joined by the military, follows a queen who sets up a colony in the sewers of Los Angeles where there is a final battle.

Sure, you're thinking, those are huge science fiction ants, but what is so scary about real, little, ants.

The Naked Jungle (1954)
Charlton Heston owns a cocoa plantation in the remote Amazon. Two things are plaguing him, his mail order bride (Eleanor Parker) from New Orleans is not to his liking and a massive, unstoppable swarm of army ants is marching across the jungle devouring every animal and plant in its path.

Now, you're thinking what was it about 1954 that led to the production of two outstanding killer ant movies in that year.

Empire of the Ants (1977)
This schlocky B-movie doesn't do justice to the H. G. Wells short story about a colony of ants that develop intelligence and enslave mankind. Although, if the mutant ants scientists are creating get out, this may be our future.

It Happened at Lakewood Manor (1977)
Renamed Ants! for the VHS release, this cheap made for TV movie had even worse acting than the than the one above even though it had a solid collection of minor TV celebrities of the decade. A huge swarm of tiny ants overrun a hotel eating the guests.

Recent propaganda movies like Antz (1998) and A Bug's Life (1998) are proof that our ant overlords are preparing their open takeover of the planet by convincing a generation of children that ants are cute, humorous, and harmless and would make for kindly masters. The longer our politicians refuse to use the phrase "radical ant terrorism" the closer we get to falling under strict formic law.

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