Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Alaskan White Trash

I've resisted writing about the most famous hillbilly family in history, the Palins, for as long as I can. But they forced my hand.

Sarah "Caribou Barbie" Palin
She has endorsed Donald Trump. Trump has already proven that even billions of dollars can't turn reprobate trash into a gentleman. To Sarah, he is a kindred spirit. They share a hatred of humanity and an overwhelming belief that, no matter how much they have, the world owes them more, more, more, more. They also share a speaking style that is best described as illiterate. Sarah flew to Iowa for this endorsement while her eldest son was rotting in jail.

Track Palin
In typical trailer trash fashion, Track knocking up his first wife six months before marrying her and then divorced her 18 months after taking the vows. She got the baby; he got the guns. He is rumored to be a drug abuser. He has recently been shacking up with chippy in his mother's house. On Jan. 18, 2016, he got smashed (blood alcohol .189), roughed up his girl, and allegedly threatened to shoot himself.  He got his ass thrown in the Wasilla jail.

Mommy Sarah blames Track's fucked up life on President Obama who gave her son PTSD while serving in Iraq in 2008 under then president George Bush. The sister of Bristol Palin's baby daddy says that Sarah forced her son into the military to hide his drug use from the media during her Veep run.

Bristol Palin
Aw, Bristol. She has made a million dollars as a spokesperson for abstinence-only policies. Her religious practice of abstinence has been so strict she has had only two out of wedlock babies. By trailer trash standards, she's practically a virgin.

The Brawl
In 2014, the entire Palin family started a drunken brawl. It was your typical white trash brawl. Teeth lost, ribs broken, a drunken slut (Bristol) throwing the first punch. But, while the Palin's are trash they are also Republican royalty. All criminal assault and public drunkenness charges magically disappeared.

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