Friday, December 18, 2015

Is Vlad Putin a Vampire?

A series of photos have been discovered that suggest that Vladimir Putin is ageless.
According to his official bio, Putin was born in 1952 but, there he is serving in the Russian military decades before his birth.

Putin first appears in 1975 as a fully grown adult working in the KGB division responsibility for falsifying identities. His supervisors described him as having a "lowered sense of danger," as if he knew he was immortal.

This photo shows Putin in his KGB uniform looking exactly the same as he does now except for having a little more hair. His physical prowess is said to be superhuman. He killed a grizzly bear two years ago with his bare hand using the "force of a thousand men." Russia expert Sarah Palin says that Putin wrestles bears for fun.

Earlier this year, at the age of 63, he scored seven goals in a hockey game against former NHL players, a feat not even the great Wayne Gretzky accomplished in his prime.

The rumors aren't just that Putin is a vampire. He might even be The vampire, the real Dracula. They share the same first name, Vlad, and in Cyrillic lettering and allowing for the strange Slavic dialect of 15th century Transylvania, Putin is an anagram of Tepes (I don't have any actual proof of that but you can't prove me wrong).

Tepes had a large Roman nose while Putin's is rather petite, but plastic surgery was invented in the first century AD so he had plenty of time to get a nose job. They both have a notable dimple in their chin.

Putin's endorsement of Donald Trump proves Trump is not a werewolf, which I guess is a good thing. But Trump is known to associate with vampires so Putin's endorsement proves Trump is under the thrall of a vampire or a bloodsucking fiend himself, which is probably a bad thing.
The telltale signs of vampire enthrallment are weird hair and bizarre behavior. Trump is suspected of eating millions of spiders a day, and Trump's hair makes Renfield look normal.

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