Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Handicapping the Presidential Field

It's too soon, but people are declaring for the presidency right and right.
The perfect Republican - a rich fat cat with guns.
1. Jeb Bush - the Ultimate Plutocracy Candidate (5 to 1)
The latest in a family notorious for shitty presidents and shittier wars, Bush III isn't even trying to appeal to the unwashed masses. He is campaigning exclusively to the 1%.

2. Mitt Romney - Poverty Plutocrat (10 to 1)
Mitt is running again because he still believes he is ordained by the Mormon god to lead the nation into the Promised Land. This time mister "corporations are people, too" is claiming he will fight poverty. This means he will be running to the left of a Bush in the ultra conservative Republican Party. Ain't a lot of room there.

3. Rand Paul - Daddy's Little Sociopath (12 to 1)
Health care and education available exclusively for the wealthy. Private police and fire services replacing the corrupt public agencies. If you don't pay the police up front they won't investigate. Eliminate burdensome regulations so I can finally build toxic waste dumps in residential communities.

4. Ted Cruz - the Self-loathing Immigrant (15 to 1)
Born in Canada to Hispanic parents and determined to prevent people who look like him from entering the country. Ted is a religious war candidate who is champing at the bit to kill Muslims, imprison gynecologists, and turn women into broodmares.

5. Scott Walker - Union Buster (17 to 1)
Scott has dedicated his life to preventing public employees from ever gathering together to discuss how to improve their jobs. Oddly, not the most scandal plagued candidate.

6. Chris Christie - Jersey Goomba (20 to 1)
The most scandal plagued candidate, possibly ever. Has the personality and likability of Joe Pecsi in Goodfellas without the good looks.

7. Marco Rubio - the Other Floridian (35 to 1)
Poor Marco. Had a dream of being the first Floridian and first Hispanic to run for president. Then Ted Cruz came along and pissed all over that dream while Jeb Bush fucked it in the ass and left it weeping in the gutter.

8. Rick Perry - Can't Walk and Chew Gum (40 to 1)
He sports "smart guy" horn-rimmed glasses that he doesn't need for reading because, let's face it, he still doesn't read. His campaign begins and ends with the Second Amendment.

9. Ben Carson - Who? (50 to 1)
This cycle's Herman Cain. A conservative black male who has never run for public office because Southern Republicans still won't vote for a black man. Wrote a book; well, plagiarized a book.

10. Bobby Jindal - God, Why? (75 to 1)
It's hard to know just why Bobby wants to be president. Sure, he wants to impose his religious philosophy on the nation but most of the people on this list intend to do that. Beyond that, he has never been able to articulate a reason, good or bad.

As for Democrats. Hillary Clinton (1 to 1) is it and nobody else is challenging. However, the same was being said exactly eight years ago.

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