Global Warming Parable

A woman goes to see her doctor. "Doc, I'm bleeding," she says pulling up her blouse to reveal blood pouring out of a hole in her stomach.

The doctor looks closely at the wound, poking an ungloved finger in it. "Could be blood," he says. "Could be tomato soup. We'll need to run tests. Exactly, why is this happening?"

"I don't know," says the woman. "You see, I was mugged and knocked unconcious in an alley by this guy covered in oil. When I woke up, I was bleeding."

"We still haven't determined that is blood," the doctor says dispassionately. "So you have no idea precisely why this is happening."

Maybe, a gun shot?" the woman ventures.

Maybe, maybe not. Doctors don't work in 'maybes.'"

"Isn't there something you can do, like, say, a blood transfusion, until we know exactly why it's happening?" The woman staggers and almost faints across the examining table.

"Don't be absurd. What if that is the wrong thing? What if we transfuse too much blood or too little? You wouldn't want that, would you? It is better to do nothing than to do the wrong thing." The doctor tastes the woman's blood. "Could be liquified beets," he muses.

The woman starts to cry.

"There is no need to get hysterical," the doctor says. "Did you consider for a moment that this might be perfectly natural?"

"What!?"

"It could be your period."

"That's not my vagina," the woman shouts.

"Well, now you're just jumping to conclusions."

"Doc, just put a bandage on it."

"Bandages are expensive. Do you know how many bandages it would take to cover this. I can't justify the expense on something that may be a fine claret." The doctor pokes at the hole again. "Have you tried praying?"

"Doc..." the woman pleads.

"Have you noticed you are losing weight?"

"Huh?"

"This is really a good thing that is happening," the doctor says. "I think we are curing your obesity problem." The doctor takes her by the arm and helps her stagger out of the examining room. "What I want you to do is go home and think about this. When you can tell me exactly why this is happening and exactly why this is a bad thing, come on back. We'll sit down and have a nice long chat about it."

"Doc, I'm dying! I'm bleeding to death!"

"There you go getting hysterical again. Where do you get off just assuming that is blood? Besides, are you still alive?" the doctor asks.

"Ah, yes."

"See, that's proof you are not dying. Here is a prescription for Valium. Take," the doctor thinks for a moment, "as much as you need."

"Nurse," the doctor says, "don't bill Miss Gaia, she is going to pay in cash. Also, get someone in here with a mop, there's strawberry syrup all over the floor."