Sometimes, You Just Gotta Laugh

From Fat to Thin, and Back Again
Chocolate maker Nestle is buying weight loss company Jenny Craig. This is a perfect example of a vertical monopoly. Nestle will sell us the products to make us fat and provide us with the service to make us thin again. To celebrate getting thin we will buy some Nestle chocolate and start the whole cycle over again.

The Champagne of Planets
Those of us who cling to the belief that the Earth is the center of the Universe have had a tough time with scientists the past few centuries. Now comes news to cheer our hearts. The Earth is surrounding by giant, fizzy bubbles. We're floating in a celestial sea of champagne.

When All Else Fails, Run a Commercial
The United States is making a glitz, million dollar television commercial to convince Iraqis that suicide bombings are not cool. It will show a Matrix-style, slow-motion explosion to demonstrate that bombs kill people. Just a guess, Iraqis probably already know this. The best part, it is being filmed in Los Angeles and most of the "arabs" in the production are Latinos.

Ten Commandments - More What You'd Call
"Guidelines" Than Actual Rules
Three of the top contenders for President from the Party of God, you know, the Republicans, are self-confessed adulterers. John McCain dumped his wife who raised his three children for the rich, young hottie he had cultivated an affair with who would finance his political ambitions. Newt Gingrich famously harrassed his first wife over divorce negotiations while she was hospitalized for cancer. He has a special attraction to young staffers. While mayor of New York, Rudy Giuliani brazenly took his mistress to official functions. They will still run on a holier than thou platform.